I Am Not a Total Bald-faced Liar . . .

I am a bit ashamed of my shameless lies. I mean, I try to be honest--though some of you bragging on my lying abilities flattered me and made me wonder if I should lie more often Muahahahahah--so I feel indebted to come clean and tell the truth. *cough*

1. When I was 5, I became so angry at a boy I had a crush on because he kept ignoring me that I decided to get his attention by running up to him at recess and then shrieking "I hate you! I hate you!" before kicking him in the crotch. He still hides from me to this day.

False The basic details of this story are true--you know what they say about a woman scorned--but I was actually 6 when this happened. In a further note of nitpickiness, I actually screamed "I hate you, Charlie! I hate you!" because I wanted him to know this was not a random attack or a case of mistaken identity. Also, I haven't seen this guy in ten years, so I have no idea if we would hide from me or not, though he did hide last time I saw him. I have no idea why . . .

2. I know how to make a guitar out of a gas can.

Before I tell you the answer to this one, I am going to tell you a story. Most of you know my dad served in the 82nd Airborne. During his time in the paratroopers, my dad did 2 nine month tours of duty in the Sinai desert in the early 1980s. During those tours, my dad did a lot of patrols, and he witnessed some interesting things. One night his squad had been walking for several hours in the desert when they heard an eerie noise wafting over the dunes. The more they walked, the closer the noise got, and the more it unnerved them. They had never heard such an otherwordly noise. My dad and his comrades started to get nervous. They asked for permission to lock and load their weapons. Their lieutenant was also rattled, so he gave them permission. So . . . they rounded the next dune, arms drawn, prepared to blow whatever it was to smithereens. They did not see a djinn or a ghost. But they did see a highly intoxicated man wailing mournfully in Arabic, while accompanying himself on a guitar made out of a gas can. So the answer is . . .

False. I have no idea how to make a guitar out of a gas can, but I know it can be done.


3. When I was 7, I loved the book Matilda so much that I hid the school's copy in my desk the entire year and disavowed all knowledge of its whereabouts, so nobody else would take it from me.

False. This did happen, but I hid Bunnicula all year from everyone, not Matilda, though I did adore that book, too. Nobody was taking away my vampire bunny book until I was finished obsessing!

4. I never once got in trouble at school, because I was a goody-two-shoes. Or should I say I never once got caught getting in trouble at school. ^^

False. I got in trouble once. I was in kindergarten, and I had been told to not skip on the way back to class after lunch. But I was pleased with my skipping skills (I could skip and not trip and fall--a small miracle seeing as I could not do this while attempting to walk) and I was the teacher's pet, or at least I thought I was because I didn't eat crayons, so I skipped, anyway. She yelled at me and when we got back to class, I got my card--which always stayed on green for being good--moved to yellow as a warning. My card had never been moved before. I was the only kid in class who had never had the card moved. I was so distraught that I sobbed hysterically all afternoon, which interrupted my teacher's reading lesson so much that she had to stop and reassure me that I was not in trouble and my card would be back to green the next day. I still kept crying. I wept all during naptime, too. Everyone else napped while I laid awake, sniffling into my little nap mat and reflecting on my evil skipping crime. I was inconsolable until I came back the next day and saw that my card was green. (Did I mention I was a sensitive child?)

5. When I was a child, I wanted to be a veterinarian, because I loved puppies and kitties and they loved me! When I was told I'd have to touch blood, I shrugged. Puppies and kitties would need help, anyway! But when I was told I'd have to touch saliva, I lost all interest.

True. Blood has never bothered me, but spit? EWWWW! That is the most vile thing ever. I even get hysterical when I get dog slobber on me. Seeing large quantities of blood does not bother me--even if it is my own. I used to dissect things as a kid with absolutely no problem. Seeing someone spit makes me want to vomit, which incidentally enough also grosses me out. When I see vomit or spit, I vomit and when I vomit, well, you get the picture. I sure hope you're not eating while reading this. I think I made a wise decision in deciding to be an English and history major.

6. When I was a junior in high school, my local homeschoolers' group took a week long trip to Chicago. My first day there I ended up getting lost at O'Hare Airport and spent hours walking in circles, wondering where everyone was. I finally gave up and sat on my luggage until someone noticed that I looked confused and pathetic. It works every time.

False. This one is so false it is not even funny. I have never been to Chicago. (But I would like to go. Al Capone Museum, here I come! *cough*) In fact, the farthest north I have been is southern Illinois. I have not been in an airport since I was nine. I have never been lost in an airport. Even though I was homeschooled in middle school and high school, my family never had anything to do with the local homeschool groups. We're lone wolves. I also am someone who, though painfully shy, am assertive when I need to be. I get proactive when I get lost. Finally, and this point is not to be underestimated, but I am also lazy--I would march up to the nearest desk and ask for help before I circled a large airport several times.

7. I am so shy that when I was twelve, I entered a local talent contest to play the piano and froze on stage. I got over my stage fright by running off stage and never getting on it again.

I am so shy that I have never entered a talent contest. I am self-taught on the piano and would never, ever have the nerve to play it in front of anyone. I have run away from social gatherings before, though. ^^

Okay, I promised e-cookies for those of you who correctly guessed the right answer. Three of you deduced the right answer--Feathery, Patrice, and Sky. Yayayayayayayayayay! Congratulations! Each of you get a lifetime supply of e-cookies!

*looks around at other followers who are begging for e-cookies* Oh, all right, each of you can get one. *hands out a cookie to everyone*

Am I not merciful? AM I NOT MERCIFUL? *develops deranged Joaquin Phoenix-like glare* Sorry! I watched Gladiator this weekend, and it has two of my favorite actors in it--Phoenix and Russel Crowe--and I really enjoy randomly quoting it. It also greatly saddens me that Phoenix is no longer acting and that people think he is insane, though he probably is. Come back, Joaquin. :(

On that totally random note, I will leave. :D