09 June 2010

Forsooth! My Socks Lied To Me

I apologize, guys! I was going to post something about writing, but I had to spend another day glued to a chair, working our county's run-off election, so I just whipped this up. I hope you enjoy it! In case, you're wondering--you really aren't, I know--the election was much like last time, except our ward captain abandoned us, so I got stuck filling out paperwork for two precincts. *twirls finger* I hate paperwork. I hate paperwork almost as much as I hate lying footwear.

This makes me tear up to say it, but my socks are liars. *pauses to dab eyes* They are unrepentant, shameless liars! Liar, liar, pants on fire, Mr. Socks!

I am getting ahead of myself. I'm sorry. It just upsets me when my socks are deceitful. What happened, you ask? Why does Zella accuse her socks of bearing false witness? Aren't socks by nature truthful creatures? What motives could socks have for lying? Can socks even talk? And why did Zella name her socks something as atrocious as Mr. Socks?

I recently had to buy some new socks. My sock supply has decreased in recent months. I am not sure if they have a hidey-hole they retreat to or what the deal is, but my socks are disappearing at an alarming rate, and the ones that remain are holey. No, they are not saintly socks bestowed with spiritual powers. My socks have no religious affiliation. (On the contrary, my socks are apparently diabolical and quite criminal in nature.) They are just full of holes and wear marks, and they are falling apart.

Monday, I left for work about an hour early to buy myself some new socks. This is necessary, because I live in a very rural area and it takes me roughly thirty minutes to get to town. Also, I am picky about my feet and what goes on them, so I wanted plenty of time to buy my new sock soul mates. My socks must be 100% cotton, black or dark blue in color, plain, and neither too short nor too tall in height. In case you're wondering, I am not picky about the stylishness of my clothes, not in the least (I am notorious for wearing mismatched socks and dressing like a slob, in fact), but I have some medical issues that make me picky about my feet's comfort--and let us not forget I am too lazy to ensure they match my outfit-- hence the rigid requirements.

I usually don't shop for clothes in a store--that's what garage sales and Goodwill are for, my dears--so I went to our local Wal-Mart--the same one I encountered the Bratz dolls in--and walked around for several minutes trying to locate the socks. When I found them, I was mortified. The only socks available were shocking neon colors of some unidentified but most certainly not cotton fabric with disturbing plaid, striped, or polka-dotted designs, and they looked too small for my feet. What is a pathetic nerd to do when confronted with such footwear? My eyes were starting to hurt from this visual assault when I noticed that the socks were all marked as "Girls' Socks". Not "Ladies' Socks." I was in the kids' section. Oops!

I didn't want to admit that I had no idea where the women's socks were, so I went to the counter and nonchalantly asked for the socks. I assumed since I am always mistaken for a thirty year old, the clerk would automatically point me in the right direction. For once in my life, I assumed right. She pointed me toward the women's socks, which were the direct opposite direction of where I had been.

*stifles sob* This is where my tale becomes tragic. *blows nose* I circled the three sock aisles repeatedly, searching for socks that met my requirements. Alas, I could find none. There were a lot of hose (which I dislike) and colorful socks (which are right out!) and those little socks that have their edges below the ankles (ICK!) and some socks that went to the calves (NO!). But no socks that met my requirements. I began to slightly panic, because I had to be at work in twenty minutes, no socks were suitable, and I have a serious depopulation problem in my sock drawer.

Just when I was beginning to think that the socks of the world hated me and that no socks in the world loved me and that my poor little, erm, not so little for a petite woman's, feet would be unprotected for eternity, my little nerd eye spied some black cotton socks on the bottom rack. I grabbed the package and was delighted by two facts:
1. There were ten socks in the package and they cost less than the packages that only held six. (I am notorious for being a miser, so this made my skinflint heart beat with joy).
2. The pictures of the socks showed them as coming roughly up to one's mid shin, which is exactly where I like my socks.

I was elated. I would have danced a jig if someone had not been standing there. I grabbed two packages and scurried to the self-check out.

Once I paid for my new treasures and carried them out to my car, I quickly drove to work. I arrived, parked, and stared longingly at my socks for some time. I really wanted to wear a pair of my new socks to work, I thought I deserved to wear my new socks to work, and, gosh darn it, I was wearing my new socks to work. I tore into the package and pulled out a pair . . . only to discover they had . . . had . . . lied to me!

My socks were not shin length. Those Benedict Arnolds were ankle length. :( THEY LIED! I feel betrayed. What has the world come to when you can't trust your socks to be straightforward about their length? They were the only socks that even remotely matched my description, so I would have bought them, anyway. But this . . . this treachery? It is inexcusable. *cries in corner*

But, if you want me to be honest with you, I like my new socks because they are comfortable, though I am not sure I could ever truly trust them. (Or, rather, I would like them if they weren't lying liars who lied about their true lying selves.) ^^

What are your feelings on socks? Are you picky or will you wear anything?


  1. I'll wear any socks as long as they go below my ankle. All I have is white, but I wish I had colorful ones. But they are more expensive. So I wear cheap, below-the-ankle socks.

  2. Hehe The colorful ones are more expensive! Is there a reason why you like the below the ankle ones? I like these ankle ones better than I thought I would. Maybe I should try the below-the-ankle ones. That's a brave thought from me! :D

  3. Very funny post Zella. :D I don't actually wear socks that often because flip-flops, sandals, and ballet flats make up the majority of my shoes. Nonetheless, I have an enormous sock collection.
    The first category of socks are nylons and hose, which I wear inside my ice skates (wear anything else in them and you WILL get blisters.)
    I also have a rather interesting assortment of different shapes, colors, and patterns of socks(imagine everything from pink and white striped socks with cats to little blue ones with sheep on them.) Highlights from this collection include a pair of grey and black striped socks that are nearly as long as tights, and red a red plaid knee-high pair. This incredible assortment is due to the fact my mother thinks socks make good Christmas presents. x)
    I also have a collection of about 20 pairs of tights.(They count as socks, right?) Yes, owning this number of tights is necessary. Plus, they were about 20 cents a pair at some extreme clearance sale at JC Penny several years back. I even have a magenta pair.
    In tennis shoes, which I must learn to wear more because flip-flops are ruining my feet, I adore ankle socks. But these ankle socks must be cotton, and of the brand that does not slip down into the shoe and bunch up at the end. There is almost ~nothing~ more annoying than that.
    When I was younger I had to align my socks so that the seam of the sock and the heel were exactly and perfectly where they should be. If the seam was not lined up to my toes, I couldn't concentrate on anything until I fixed it. Obsessive much? :D

    Wow, what a long comment-- socks are something I have lengthy opinions on, apparently. :D

  4. @zella I dont like how they feel and they never stay up. And I go outside a lot & below the ankle leaves a less strange tan line than socks that go farther up.

    random question: what's the difference between farther and further?

    @feathers I hate when socks bunch up at the heel D:

  5. Feathers: I am impressed with your sock collection! My step-aunt gave me a pair of shocking hot pink socks when I was ten. I am not sure what happened to them, but I did like them. (Sh! Don't tell anyone.) I usually wear Crocs and sneakers. High heels terrify me, and I don't wear sandals. (Nobody look at my feet!) I have weirdly-shaped feet that are almost impossible to fit in shoes. Woe is my feet! :D

    Amarantha: Yes, I hate when socks slip down! My old ones were so old they had no backbone and they refused to stay up.

    As for further vs farther, a good rule of thumb that I have read is further refers to metaphorical distance, whereas farther refers to physical distance (just remember the far in farther.) So farther would be "How much farther away are we?" because it refers to distance. And further would be "This merits further discussion" because it isn't referring to a physical distance. I hope that helps! :)

  6. @zella ok. thanks :) I couldn't quite remember which one was which.

  7. and the far in farther helps :)

  8. I'm glad to know I'm not the only picky sock person out there. Walmart has a horrible sock collection--unless you like those hose or below the ankle things. Ugh. What is the purpose to those things anyway? If I wanted cold feet, I'd wear sandals with no socks to begin with.

    I've resorted to getting mine at Kohl's, and only when they are on sale. Because, as all good misers know, all attire should only be purchased on sale unless its dirt cheap to begin with.

    Brightly colored socks, I can't do it. Nope. No sir. Gotta be natural colors. No need to highlight my huge amazon-sized feet, thank you very much.

  9. I wear heels occasionally, they're rather like ice skates, only less comfortable. For my graduation I'm going to wear flats though- I'll already be shaking enough without the extra instability of heels. :D
    We really -are- nerd twins, I have fairly weird feet as well! They're fairly more narrow than average and I have falling arches (which I'm blaming skating for.)
    I spent several minutes the other day lecturing my sister on the "farther vs further" issue. She was fairly exasperated with me after that. Apparently not everyone thinks it's of great importance. But honestly, it's nearly quite as bad as mixing up affect and effect!

  10. I used to *hate* socks when I was little. With a passion. Now I don't mind them :D

    I prefer below-the-ankle, preferably in awesome colors or patterns. And they may or may not match. Ever.

  11. Amarantha, You're welcome! I like using little details to help me remember things! :)

    Jean: Hehe A fellow picky sock person! :D Yeah, I was not happy with the selection I saw at WM. I live in a small town where WM is the only real place to shop. (Sad but true.) I may go to the mall the next county over. The selection would have to be better! Your miser maxim had me nodding in agreement. I refuse to pay for it unless it is as cheap as can be! :D

    Feathers: Definitely wear flats for graduation. ^^

    Hehe We are nerd twins! My feet are large for my height (I have bigger feet that a cousin who is six inches taller) that are very wide but have an impossibly narrow heel.

    LOL It drives me crazy when affect and effect are confused.

  12. Rebel: Hehe I was barefoot as a child all the time, too! I changed my mind when I was about eleven. :D

    My socks often do not match either. It drives my family crazy, which only serves to egg me on. :D

  13. Lying socks? What is the world coming to? Spammy likes ankle-length socks, but I haven't tried them. I, too, will only wear shin-length crew socks.

  14. Scott: Indeed! I am almost positive Nostradamus predicted it was a sign of the coming apocalypse! :D

    My brother likes socks that are calf length. He refuses to wear anything else.

  15. I like ankle socks. I don't care about the rest, to be honest. That's it.

    I am sorry that your socks committed such a felony :'(

  16. Bruce, Thank you for your condolences. My brother found my plight hilarious. :( I am not sure why . . . :D

    I do like these ankle socks I have. They are more comfy than I expected. :)

  17. Haha, nice...I never have that problem because my mom buys socks for me, and she usually always gets the same kind (white and the kind that you wear) so I've gotten used to that. That'll probably change next year though...:P

    I have a similar problem shopping for shoes though. Well, not the lying part because you can see the shoe before buying it, but the fact that despite all the selections there you don't like any of them. And all I want is normal tennis shoes under thirty bucks thats my size...how hard should that be?? :D

  18. sky: Maybe you could get your mom to buy you a supply, so you will have the same socks. I think I am going to do that before I leave home this summer, mainly because I am too lazy to shop . . . :D

    I feel your shoe pain! I hate most shoes, too, and all I want is something comfy. I don't care how ugly it is; I just want it to fit.